Tiffany ColburnSigns of isolation in a relationship aren’t always obvious. It doesn’t start with someone saying, ‘You’re not allowed to see your friends.’ Instead, it happens little by little, until one day, you realize you don’t have anyone left but them.
At first, it felt like love.
He wanted to spend all his time with me. Just the two of us. It seemed sweet, like he couldn’t get enough of me.
And honestly? I didn’t think much of it.
I’ve always been shy. I’ve always been introverted. I’ve never been the kind of person with a huge social circle. So, I told myself this was just how life worked. That I wasn’t isolated, I was just focused on my relationship.
Maybe you’ve felt that way, too.
Maybe you’re in a relationship where it’s just the two of you, and that’s how it’s always been.
Maybe you’ve drifted from your friends, but you don’t know exactly when it started.
Maybe you don’t see your friends as much, but you tell yourself that’s just what happens when you grow up, when you fall in love, when life gets busy.
That’s exactly what I told myself.
One day, I looked around and realized I didn’t have friends, and neither did our kids.
Isolation Doesn’t Happen Overnight
The scariest part of isolation is that it’s slow. It doesn’t happen with one big fight or one dramatic moment. It happens so gradually, so quietly, so normally that you don’t even see it.
It doesn’t start with “You’re not allowed to see your friends.”
It starts with “Why do you even like them?”
Or “I don’t think they really care about you.”
Or “I just want to spend time with you. Why are you always making plans without me?”
At first, it feels like love. Like attention. Like commitment.
But then, little by little, your life starts revolving around them.
Over time, it becomes just the two of you.
And one day, you look around, and they’re the only person in your life.
How to Recognize the Signs of Isolation in a Relationship Before It’s Too Late
Before I realized what was happening, I didn’t recognize the signs of isolation in a relationship. I thought I was just prioritizing my partner, but looking back, I can see how I slowly lost my connections to the outside world.
I didn’t recognize it when it was happening.
I thought I was making my own choices.
I thought I was just keeping the peace.
I thought I was just doing what a good wife is supposed to do.
But looking back, I wish I had asked myself these questions:
1. Do I feel guilty or anxious about making plans without them?
At first, I thought spending all my time with him was normal. For years, I didn’t have friends. And when I finally made some, he did everything he could to keep me from them.
If I tried to make plans, it turned into a problem.
He’d get upset.
He’d guilt-trip me.
He’d act like I was choosing them over him.
And after a while, it just became easier not to go.
2. Have I stopped sharing things with certain people because I know it will “cause a problem”?
I didn’t talk about our relationship—not really. I kept it to myself if we argued or he said something hurtful.
He had convinced me that I was the problem. That I was too sensitive. That I overreacted.
So I didn’t tell anyone.
And over time, I stopped even thinking about telling anyone.
Because when you believe everything is your fault, why would you?
That’s how isolation works.
Not because they forbid you from talking. But they make you believe that keeping the peace is more important than being honest.
3. Do I feel like I have to justify or explain why I want to see a friend or family member?
It wasn’t just “I’m going to see a friend.”
It was, “I’m going to see a friend because I haven’t seen them in months, and I’ll be back soon, and I’ll text you the whole time, and I’ll make sure to get everything done first.”
Even then, it was never enough.
So I stopped asking.
Why Abusers Use the Signs of Isolation in a Relationship to Control You
Abusers don’t always start with control—they start with influence. The signs of isolation in a relationship can look like love at first, but it’s actually a slow process of making sure you have no one else to turn to.
Abusers don’t just want control, they want complete influence over you. One of the most effective ways they do this is by using the signs of isolation in a relationship to slowly separate you from your friends, family, and support system. This isn’t just about jealousy. It’s about control.
If you still have strong relationships with friends and family, someone might call out their behavior. Someone might say, “Hey, this isn’t normal.”
By isolating you, they make themselves the only voice in your life. That means:
• No one is challenging their version of events.
• No one is reminding you of who you were before them.
• No one is offering you a way out.
And once they’re the only one left, leaving doesn’t just feel hard. It feels impossible.
What I Wish I Had Known About the Signs of Isolation in a Relationship
Looking back, I didn’t recognize the signs of isolation in a relationship for what they were. I thought I was just being a good partner, prioritizing the relationship, but now I see how slowly I lost my independence.
For years, I thought this was just how relationships worked.
For years, I thought this was normal.
For years, I thought that keeping the peace meant I was doing the right thing.
But love doesn’t take away your support system.
Love doesn’t make you feel trapped, isolated, or alone.
Love doesn’t punish you for maintaining friendships, for being yourself, for needing more than just them.
If you’re feeling like you’ve slowly lost yourself and you don’t know how to get back—I want you to know this: It’s not too late, and it’s not your fault.
You don’t have to have all the answers today. Just take one step.
Start by noticing what feels off.
Start by reaching out to someone you trust.
Start by reminding yourself that your life was never meant to revolve around just one person.
Because you deserve more than this.
You’re Not Alone
If any of this sounds familiar—whether it’s happening to you or someone you care about—I want you to know this: You’re not imagining it, and you’re not overreacting.
Isolation doesn’t happen overnight. It happens little by little until one day, you realize you don’t know who you are anymore. Or maybe you’re watching someone you love fade into the background of their own life, and you don’t know how to reach them.
But no one is too far gone.
You can find your way back. They can find their way back.
It starts with noticing. It starts with reaching out. It starts with remembering that no one is meant to live their life for just one person.
Want to Learn More?
Want to dive deeper into the signs of isolation in a relationship? I’ve gathered the best books and resources to help you understand how it happens—and, more importantly, how to break free.
If you’re looking for deeper insight into relationships, manipulation, and healing, here are the books I recommend:
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft – A must-read for understanding how abusive and controlling partners think.
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans – Helps identify the hidden patterns of emotional abuse.
Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller – A great resource for understanding attachment styles and why we stay in unhealthy relationships.
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker – A powerful book about trusting your instincts to stay safe in relationships and life.
In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado – A deeply personal and beautifully written memoir about emotional abuse in a same-sex relationship.
Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend – A practical guide to setting healthy boundaries in all relationships.
Know My Name by Chanel Miller – A memoir about reclaiming your voice after trauma.
If you need support, have questions, or want to understand this more deeply, you’re not alone in this.
Explore more on www.myhiddenscars.com and www.tiffanycolburn.com for resources, insights, and support as you navigate your way forward.
Want a Safe Space to Talk About This?
If this post resonated with you, you don’t have to figure it all out alone.
I created a private Facebook group, My Hidden Scars: Healing & Support, where you can:
Connect with others who understand
Recognize red flags before it’s too late
Find resources & support to take back your life
Join here: My Hidden Scars: Healing & Support
Have questions or need more guidance? I also offer 1:1 coaching to help you navigate your situation with clarity and confidence.
Book a session here: www.myhiddescars.com
