Tiffany ColburnIf you’re co-parenting with an abusive ex, you already know how exhausting it can be. The constant manipulation, power struggles, and emotional exhaustion don’t end just because the relationship did. Especially when kids are involved, the challenges of co-parenting with an abusive ex can feel overwhelming.
For a long time, I thought I had to keep pushing back, defending myself, and fighting for fairness. Then I read Let Them by Mel Robbins, and it completely shifted how I approached co-parenting with my abusive ex. You can learn more about the book and mindset on her website, where she breaks it down in her own words.
I didn’t expect a short book to hit me so hard. But it did. Because the message is simple: when people show you who they are, let them. When they walk away, let them. When they lie, when they twist things, when they disappoint you—let them. It reminded me so much of something we talk about in the domestic violence community: radical acceptance. But this felt different. Let Them gave it power.
It wasn’t about giving up. It was about letting go.
If this already feels familiar…
I created a printable guide that walks through this exact shift — from reacting and defending to protecting your peace.
Start here with my Let Them, Let Me guide
Co-Parenting With an Abusive Ex: Letting Them Be Who They Are
Mel Robbins describes “let them” as a boundary, not a passive statement. It’s not about allowing abusive or toxic behavior to go unchecked, it’s about recognizing your limits and focusing on what you can control when co-parenting with an abusive ex.
This is something I talk about with clients all the time. When you’re co-parenting with someone who thrives on conflict, who wants to stay in control long after the relationship ends, this kind of mindset can be freeing.
I often tell my clients who are co-parenting with an abusive ex: you can’t control what happens in their house during their parenting time any more than they can control what happens in yours.
Trying to micromanage it will drive you crazy. So will trying to make them parent the way you do, care the way you do, or put the kids first the way you do. If they won’t? Let them.
Let them miss the recital. Let them forget the dentist appointment. Let them post the fake smiling pictures on social media.
You don’t need to match their chaos with your own. You don’t need to explain, justify, or defend.
But I get it—letting go feels unnatural when you’ve spent years trying to keep the peace, trying to avoid conflict, trying to make things better. I remember the first time my ex skipped an important event for our kids, and I didn’t text him to remind him or guilt him. It felt…wrong. Like I was failing. But when I saw my child light up because I was fully present, not distracted by what he was or wasn’t doing, I knew I was doing the right thing.
What Letting Them Looks Like
When they send a nasty email full of accusations and blame? Let them. You can document it, set it aside, and respond (if needed) on your terms.
When they act like the fun parent but never follow through? Let them. Your kids will eventually see the difference between consistent love and performative parenting.
When they lie to your kids about you? Let them. Stay grounded. Tell the truth when needed, but don’t get dragged into proving yourself.
When they make a snide comment through the kids (“Mom says you’re not fun like she is”)? Let them. You can respond to your child with warmth and honesty instead of bitterness. You can be the safe space.
When they use the court system to intimidate you? Let them. You can prepare, document, and show up. But don’t spiral. Don’t give them more space in your head than they already take.
Letting them is not weakness. It’s strategy. It’s choosing peace over reactivity.
And in the process? You take back your energy. Your focus. Your peace.
Letting them is how you start making space…not just physically or logistically, but emotionally. It’s how you stop carrying the weight of their choices.
I used to obsess over what was happening during his parenting time. I imagined the conversations, worried about what the kids were eating, if he was being passive-aggressive, if they were safe. It consumed me. But little by little, I started saying, “Let him.” And I said, “Let me sleep. Let me focus. Let me be the kind of parent I want to be.”
But Here’s the Best Part: Let Me
One of the most powerful parts of Let Them is what comes next.
When you’re co-parenting with an abusive ex, letting them do what they’re going to do—and letting yourself live in freedom—can change everything.
Let me:
- Focus on what I can control.
- Parent with love, calm, and consistency.
- Set the tone in my home.
- Create peace, even if their house is chaos.
- Say no to their drama, even when I’m invited in.
- Heal. Breathe. Rest. Reclaim my life.
- Stop tiptoeing around their moods and start walking boldly into my own peace.
- Raise my kids with kindness, not control.
- Stop watching my phone every five seconds for their next blow-up—and start noticing the calm I’ve created.
Let me stop trying to change someone who never wanted to change. Let me stop breaking my own heart trying to get them to show up, care, or be different.
Let them be who they are. Let me be who I am becoming.
If this is hitting you hard, I get it.
I created the Let Them, Let Me guide because I needed something like this years ago.
It’s filled with grounding tools, journal prompts, and reminders that you’re not the problem.
If You’re Not Ready Yet, That’s Okay
If you’re still in the place of trying—trying to co-parent, trying to make it work, trying to keep the peace for the kids—I get it. I’ve been there. You’re not doing it wrong. You’re not weak. You’re learning how to survive in a situation you never asked for.
So, if you’re not ready to fully let go yet, start small:
- Notice when your body tenses at the sound of their name.
- Create a note in your phone called “What I Can’t Control” and jot down one thing each day you’re choosing to release.
- Ask yourself, “Is this mine to carry?” before responding to a text or email.
Even the smallest shift in mindset can create space.
When you’re ready, even just a little bit ready, to stop living in reaction to them, Let Them can be a lifeline. It can help you start creating emotional space even when legal space or full peace feels far away.
Let Them Be Who They Are—And Let Yourself Be Free While Co-Parenting With an Abusive Ex
If you’re in the thick of it—court battles, custody struggles, constant stress—I see you. I’ve been there. I know how disorienting it is to hold things together while someone keeps trying to pull you apart.
You might feel like peace is something other people get to have, especially when you’re co-parenting with an abusive ex who keeps pulling you into conflict.
But here’s what Let Them taught me, and what I want you to know:
You don’t have to prove anything to someone who has already shown you who they are.
Let them be who they are.
Let yourself start to heal.
Let yourself build a life you love.
Let yourself be free.
This mindset shift doesn’t happen overnight. But it’s one of the most powerful ways to take back your energy, your focus, and your peace.
If you’re ready to take that first step, I’ve created a companion worksheet to help you reflect, reset, and start separating yourself from your ex’s chaos—emotionally, mentally, and practically.
If you’re navigating emotional manipulation or control even after the relationship ends, you’re not alone.
I wrote more about coercive control and how it often shows up in co-parenting with an abusive ex.
If this post helped you feel seen or a little more steady, I created something to help you take that next step.
The Let Them, Let Me guide is filled with real-life tools, journal pages, and emotional support, especially for those navigating life with a controlling or abusive ex.
Click here to get the printable PDF guide.
Or, if you’re ready for one-on-one support, I’d be honored to walk this path with you.
You are not alone, and you deserve peace.
